unabashedly sad

I was going to write a longer post about how my brain has been so fried, my thoughts so all over that place that I cannot rein them in on most days. During any given conversation, I will ask a question and as soon as it leaves my mouth, my thoughts wander on to ponder something else. I have to force myself to hear and remember the answer. I think I am getting a glimpse of what it must be like to have ADD? When I talk to my kids, I often hear: Did you just hear a word I said?

I have no idea if this has to do with the thyroid removal. In the beginning, I thought that the anesthesia had something to do with it, but now it is nearly 3 months later. The doctor is still trying to adjust my thyroid meds, because the levels have been too high. I am sincerely hoping that this is now the right dose. I will know at the end of August, when we do more bloodwork.

That was going to be my roundabout way of letting you know why I haven't blogged much. Yes summer has its own pace, and somehow I end up in the position, more than during the schoolyear, of managing everyone's schedules. There seem to be so many more schedules to manage. All the while I am doing my darndest to dye more yarn.

But all this, all of my wandering, unruly, and confused thought processes were put to a sudden halt this week when we found out that a dear friend's daughter had a stillborn little girl. A sweet perfect little one who never got to take one single breath, to borrow her grandmother's words. I am sad through and through. The family is posting on facebook and prayers are pouring in by the dozens. If you have some prayers to share and send, please do. The little angel's name is Eliana.

It seems that such a tragedy can be ameliorated with lots and lots of love...I'm hoping, anyway. Sending love, knitting a prayer shawl, making dinners for the family: somehow it drowns out horrible questions as to WHY? Why did this happen? Why is a little boy who was waiting for his little sister to arrive and make him a big brother, why is a little boy now faced with such unanswerable questions?

Truth be told, I have the questions, and I know at the same time that there are no answers. I don't expect anyone has them. So I just try to hold some of the grief that I know must be so much to bear for the family.